Reclaiming Our Inner Resources: How MORE Helps Us Break Free from Modern Addictive Behaviors

A few years ago, when my son was three, he woke up from a nap in full meltdown mode. He wanted a snack, but he hadn’t eaten lunch yet, so I told him no. And despite all my years of doing family therapy—coaching parents to avoid power struggles, to stay calm, to redirect—I found myself locked in the very dynamic I always tell others to sidestep. He cried harder. I dug in. The tension rose.

Then my wife, who is a genius in moments like this, ran downstairs and opened the front door. Hanging in the doorway was a spiderweb glistening in the sunlight. My son was still crying when she gently said, “Look.” He lifted his head, saw the web shimmering in the light, and in an instant… ahhh. The tears stopped. His whole body softened. The pain was gone.

That moment has stayed with me because it reveals something profound about human nature: we all have the innate capacity to radically shift our attention into the present moment, to see clearly, to appreciate what is right in front of us, to experience wonderment at the world, and to feel content without needing anything more. A child can do it effortlessly. Adults can too, if only we remember how.

And this is exactly the capacity that modern addictive behaviors erode.

The Modern Mind Is Always Reaching for “More”

But this moment of contentment is the opposite of how most of us live. We typically experience ourselves as an isolated subject moving through the world, seeking out the objects we desire. We feel limited. We feel lacking. And we are always seeking more.

Do you remember a time when all you needed to feel satisfied was the smiling face of a loved one? Watch a baby playing peek-a-boo. When a parent surprises them with a smile, it brings ecstatic joy, laughter, and delight. Little kids are amazed by the simplest things. And their ability to bounce back from a bad mood is astonishing. All it takes is a shift in attention.

But as adults, we lose this. We want bigger houses, faster cars, fancier vacations, more likes on social media. It’s never enough. We race around day after day checking off our to-do lists. And when the work is done, what do we do? We immediately move on to the next item.

We rarely sit back in a moment of quiet satisfaction, appreciating what we’ve done, being grateful for what we have. It’s always more, more, more.

Think about the last major accomplishment you made at work.
How long did you let yourself feel good about it?
And how quickly were you on to the next thing?

This insatiable hunger, this endless seeking, is not a moral failing. It’s biology.

The Dopamine System: The Engine of Endless Seeking

The drive for “more” is mediated by the meso-cortico-limbic dopamine circuit, the same brain circuitry that becomes hijacked by addictive drugs. Through an insidious process, this system becomes increasingly sensitive to stress and addictive cues, while becoming less sensitive to the healthy pleasure and meaning derived from naturally rewarding objects and events in the social environment.

And so we find ourselves in a hole, getting less pleasure from the things that used to make us feel good, seeking more and more intense forms of stimulation that never quite fill the emptiness, never quite soothe the sense of inadequacy.

We often fall into self-doubt. We begin to ruminate. We spin our wheels in our heads.We fall into cycles of regret or guilt, or we fantasize about some imagined future we crave, some imaginary finish line we will never reach.

We get lost in our thoughts, stuck in our heads, pulled away from the world around us.

The Default Mode Network: The Brain’s Rumination Engine

This type of thinking is underpinned by a distributed brain network called the default mode network (DMN). Neuroscientists have discovered that when we’re sitting idle, not engaged in any activity, our brains shift into this network, which generates and sustains our habitual ways of seeing and thinking about ourselves.

Conversely, when we’re engaged in a mentally demanding task, when our attention is fully absorbed, activity in the DMN decreases, and other brain regions involved in decision-making, attention, and sensory engagement become activated. We are on point, focused, in the moment, ready to respond to life with open senses and open arms.

Many of the maladies of the modern human world, including depression, anxiety, and addiction, are associated with excessive and dysfunctional activity in the DMN. We lose touch with the world around us, obsessed with our own inner destructive narratives. We begin to hold negative self-beliefs:

I’m not good enough.
What if I fail?
What if they don’t like me?
Did I say the wrong thing?
They don’t like me.

And to numb ourselves against these painful thoughts, we retreat into compulsive behaviors—too much internet shopping, too much doomscrolling, binge-watching, or the use of prescribed, legal, or illegal substances to quiet the voice in our heads.

Mindfulness: The First Step Toward Wellbeing

Mindfulness is an English word for concepts that originated in Asian contemplative philosophies over 2,000 years ago, with parallels in cultures and religions across the world. Mindfulness refers to a form of mental training—and a way of being—that involves focusing attention on, accepting, and observing one’s experience in the present moment.

In many ways, mindfulness is the opposite of the default-mode habits of mind.

When we are mindful, instead of ruminating about the past or worrying about the future, we are fully present to this moment of our life. Instead of being lost in our heads, we come to our senses—we appreciate the sights, the smells, the sounds, the touches, and the tastes of the world around us.

By witnessing ourselves through mindfulness, we become aware of when the mind is slipping into automatic habits. We become aware of irrational emotional reactions, self-destructive habits, compulsions, unhealthy cravings, and unrealistic desires. And when we become aware of negative mental patterns, we can change them.

Mindfulness disrupts these maladaptive default-mode habits.
Mindfulness creates the space between stimulus and response.
And in that space, we find our freedom.

But Mindfulness Is Only the Beginning

Mindfulness is the beginning—but not the end—of practicing wellbeing. Mindfulness allows us to accept our thoughts and the world as it is. But sometimes we must take action to change things. That change begins with how we think about the circumstances of our lives.

As Marcus Aurelius, the Stoic philosopher and emperor of Rome, wrote:
“The universe is change; life is but what you deem it.”
And in another teaching echoed across Stoic tradition:
We are disturbed not by events, but by the views we take of them.

This is the essence of cognitive reappraisal—the second pillar of MORE.

Mindfulness Creates the Space for Reappraisal

Mindfulness is a powerful tool because it allows us to disrupt our habitual negative ways of thinking—to suspend them long enough to see clearly. In that pause, we gain the space needed to reappraise our situation, to come up with a more helpful way of viewing what is happening in our lives.

We can ask ourselves:

• What’s a more helpful way of thinking about this situation?

• Is there an alternative explanation?

• If a friend were in this situation, what would I want them to believe?

• If I had a trusted teacher or guide, what would they want me to see here?

• What are the positive sides to this matter?

• Is there a blessing in disguise?

• How might facing this situation teach me something important?

• How might it help me grow stronger?

• How might it bring meaning to my life?

By answering these questions, we challenge and transform our negative thought patterns. We shift into more helpful ways of thinking that stimulate more helpful emotions and more constructive actions.

But Challenging the Negative Is Not Enough

Although challenging negative mental states is key to wellbeing, it is not enough. We also need to cultivate, appreciate, and amplify positive mental states. We need to savor the sweetness of life.

In the quest for wellbeing, it’s not enough to only challenge negative ways of thinking.
We must also actively cultivate the positive.

And that’s where savoring comes into play.

Savoring: Reawakening the Brain’s Capacity for Joy

Savoring is the practice of fully attending to and absorbing the beauty, meaning, and pleasure available in the present moment. It is the antidote to the dopamine-driven hunger for “more.” It is the adult version of the spiderweb moment, lifting our gaze from craving to wonder.

Savoring reawakens the brain’s natural reward circuitry.
It restores our capacity to feel joy from within.
It reconnects us with the world around us.
It helps us remember that life’s deepest pleasures are often simple, subtle, and already here.

And importantly, savoring is not just a feel-good idea, it is a workout for the brain’s reward system. Each time we slow down and fully take in a pleasant experience, we are effectively “lifting weights” with the neural circuits that register healthy pleasure. Just as repeated reps in the gym strengthen a muscle, repeated reps of savoring strengthen the brain’s sensitivity to natural rewards. Over time, this practice helps reverse the numbing, desensitizing effects of chronic stress and addictive behavior, allowing everyday joys to register more vividly and meaningfully.

This is the third pillar of MORE, and it is essential for breaking free from modern addictive behaviors.

How MORE Brings It All Together

Mindfulness interrupts the autopilot of craving.
Reappraisal transforms the meaning of our challenges.
Savoring restores our ability to feel joy and connection.

Together, these practices help people:

• regulate emotions

• reduce compulsive urges

• reconnect with meaning

• restore natural pleasure

• reinterpret stress

• build resilience

• choose how they want to respond to life

MORE is not just about reducing harmful behaviors, it is about reclaiming the ability to feel alive without needing something outside ourselves to make us whole.

The Spiderweb Is Always There

The world will always offer us something to crave. Something to chase. Something to numb with. But the spiderweb—those small, shimmering moments of presence, beauty, and connection—is always there too. MORE helps people remember how to look up and appreciate the ever present beauty and wonderment in the world around us, always waiting for us to notice it.